With thanks to Anuradha Mathur, Clinical Counsellor at UNHCR
Sometimes we feel the world around us is spinning, and we cannot control what is happening to us. Feelings of fear, anxiety, and panic take over, and our emotions run out of control; these feelings may later transform into anger, resentment, or depression. The concept of “Locus of Control” explains this phenomenon, which anyone at any age can experience. So, what exactly is the Locus of Control?
Julian Rotter introduced this term to psychology, and it can generally be defined as an individual’s perception of the extent to which they control events in their lives. It’s a personality characteristic that describes whether people believe they have control over their lives or believe external forces are responsible for their circumstances.
Imagine this scenario: a child grows up in their home city, surrounded by friends, family, and an infrastructure they are familiar with. Then suddenly their father receives a job offer in a different country. The parents can easily discuss the matter, process the implications and possible consequences, and then decide to move. However, based on their decisions, the child’s life changes drastically due to unforeseen circumstances that are completely out of their control. It’s only natural that negative feelings will arise, which can either manifest themself in minor issues such as smaller children not wanting to leave grandparents or friends behind, to major trouble with teens who can easily ‘act out’ when they feel they have no control over what is happening in their life. So, how can parents manage this uprooting of their family?
For the child, validate their feelings, introduce the new country to them virtually, show them the positive sides of the city they are moving to, the new culture, and what fun experiences you will share as a family. Allow them to have some autonomy by looking at the houses or schools you are considering (age-appropriate, of course). Encourage them to prepare a list of things they would like to do and exciting places to visit when you arrive, and most importantly, help them to write a timetable of when they can chat with their family and friends in order to stay connected back home. Building the child’s confidence by giving them some control over the change will be beneficial as they start to create their new life.
Let’s now imagine the father’s partner from the example above. They have been a part of the decision and fully understand the financial benefits, despite the caveat that they may have to give up their career and start afresh. There are no guarantees as to what support is available in the new country, both personally and professionally, their career may be put on hold, and they become what is known as a “trailing spouse”.
Once the non-working spouse has managed the move, found the perfect school, and set up a new home, only then do they start to realise the support system they had at home is missing, and a feeling of isolation and resentment can take hold. Depression as an expat parent can be soul destroying and leave you feeling without an anchor, and there is no shame in talking this through with others in the same situation or reaching out to a professional.
Other examples are ones of unforeseen circumstances: situations that usually do not come with a warning and are understandably the more frightening ones. Examples of these would be a sudden job loss or a natural disaster. These can cause negative symptoms that can last for a much longer time and should be addressed sooner rather than later.
Below are some methods that give an individual more agency, thus increasing their internal locus of control and subsequently their ability to deal with change.
- – Having our feelings validated
- – Planning as best as we can for forthcoming events
- – Making lists
- – Developing coping skills
- – Monitoring and managing thoughts and behaviors
- – Building self-worth/confidence (self-efficacy)
- – Seeking professional help
Life is dynamic and constantly changing. How we deal with these changes will depend on how we perceive each situation and its effect on us. We bring with us our intrinsic nature when addressing new circumstances, but sometimes we must add more tools that will help us stop the spinning and center our locus of control.
Anuradha Mathur (Anu)
Clinical Counsellor at UNHCR
Full Member of the Singapore Psychological Society
Mobile/WhatsApp: +66 82 906 9793
https://www.linkedin.com/in/anuradha-mathur-576bba16a/
